fghfghrf_typo's Xanga

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 14:33:44 GMT

well, it's a Tuesday morning and i realize that my xanga posts have halted or at least slowed down so here i am to keep them more then occasional. i just got back from the beach about two days ago. i stayed there for a week. i met some people and that was fun. i seem to be meeting more guys then i intend to lately. but who knows, perhaps it is intended. one of the guys that i met i have become good friends with and we seem to be staying in touch quite well through the Internet and phone and it's planned that we'll meet again near the end of July.

anyway, i broke up with another boyfriend recently. sigh. i don't know why i even get myself into steady relationships when i really can't bring myself to care about them for more then a week. i disappoint myself really when i do this. maybe i'll be smart enough to refrain from steady relationships for a safe while or perhaps, in a naive youth i'll go fishing for them carelessly again.

i've recently been through another loss. one that i never knew would hurt if i did ever lose it. a friend, but so much more then that has showed me what i thought i learned a long time ago. if i take advantage of a person, they will not stick around to see it happen again. in 7th grade i did this. i lost some over and over. but i never really lost them because they always came crawling back. and then one fateful summer, they were not there when i turned around. in that, i remained hurt for a long time. and it's just ironic and almost bothersome to me that i could make the exact same mistake again without realizing how identical the processes were to reach the failure. which is loss. however, this friend is a forgiving one and i am certain that he'll talk to me again sometime soon. but, it wont be the same when we do talk again. i wont have all the power and control. then again, maybe it's dangerous when i'm in charge. i should wait for my choices to develop before i throw them into effective action.

i now face a truth that i have lost my love for quite a while for he has fallen for a worthy other that he's known for quite some time by now. and in that, i see a long relationship in the future. and in that, i pity myself for caring. however, if i do regain my recent loss, i see that recovery from this past loss is possible.

i've written several new poems lately that i may paste in here in a short moment. i haven't much more to say. so i give you these rhymes. which i by the way don't see as some of my best.

Realization

Mistakable and breakable, my heart seems to be.

Destiny before me, how could I not see?

Glass vile of truth, smashed on concrete.

My common sense, has so found simple defeat.

Incredible love caught me, surprised and unaware.

Was I attempting denial? Or was I really scared…

Miracles and blessings, thrashed to second chances.

You reject my apologies, and all my admittances.

I wish and plead, for so much to be mine.

But what I need, is far more then blind.

Desires and demands, I now push aside.

Will you accept a hope, ignore how I lied?

A greedy self I am, to take advantage of you.

Those who make me smile, there are a rare few.

To take so little care of, the one I love so much.

How could I let my prince, slip through my desperate clutch?

Dear love I plead and beg, for you to hold my hand.

Though never before did you, require begging, commands.

I remember once upon a time and for a while.

When to make you love me, all I had to do was smile.

~lizzy cooper

Undeserving

Dodging all your love, with devilish cheatings.

Remaining afraid of, commitment and needing.

Sorrows befall my lips, I realize where I fell.

Ability made me trip, fall into failure’s well.

Lying in this tomb, deep thought endures me so.

Am I forever doomed, to dwell on sorrow?

Once kicked to the wall, I thought I’d never heal.

But picked up from my fall, I found something that’s real.

Innocence in your eyes, and protection in your arms.

I found out how to rise, above the devil’s charm.

I found a confidence, within my fossil soul.

But your eye’s innocence, is what really made me whole.

The complete honesty, within every word you gave.

Your instant modesty, that made me grin and crave.

Your humor and delight, dear lord, it made me smile.

And you frowned and sighed, when I went missing for a while.

All your sloppy thoughts, unorganized but so pure.

Bad news was forgot, after I read your words.

Your incredible innocence, how could I give that up?

Alone in an instance, I see where I screwed up.

At first I was confused, unused to your reject.

Then I see how I used, your every intellect.

Gathered up your great, and kept it for myself.

Then set it neatly, upon the highest shelf.

And now I only look, to the empty shelf above.

Only dusty books, but no longer lies your love.

I hope day and night, that you’ll go insane and crack.

Go so crazy that you might, consider taking me back?

~lizzy cooper

both were written yesterday on my back porch, while i was swapping thoughts with life. the meanings of these poems appear obvious although the true point they make is far from apparent. anyway, i leave you with this. another post of mine. another piece of me, will a use ever befall my words? goo 'day.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 15:29:12 GMT

hmmm...well this is a bit early for me to be making a new entry already, but i have stuff to share. well, last night i was on AIM and my mother said "lizzy, can i see you for a second?" i went into her room and she handed my report card to me and said, "you failed." yeah, there's a way to break the ice. sigh. well, this morning my mother said that we may go to chiles later and argue with them about the whole situation. although i don't believe it deserves any debate.

the last 9 weeks of school i was honestly trying very heard. although the first three 9 weeks weren't as successful. hence my failing the 9th grade. on the bright side i am perhaps now not going to feel as short. i spent a while looking for a positive last night. i don't want to spend too much time on this subject because i've already thought it all over very distinctly numerous times. in that, we move on.

this morning was odd. i talked to someone who i hadn't talked to in quite a while, in hopes of getting my poetry book back. he said that he'd give it back to me on his birthday whenever he drove over to my house. i was shocked that he would still actually be planning on driving over to my house on his 16th birthday as he had promised me 2 years ago. i still have slight doubts. but doubts often unfold into predictions, so i strain to release public faith. in all, it was weird hearing his voice. i however do find myself stronger now then i did before. i have the power to hang up on him when i'm through with the conversation and i don't helplessly beg him to stay when he declines carrying on the conversation. i surprised myself with that ability. i never knew what could happen in such little time. i like the strength though. it's one more thing i can overcome. and all success is appreciated in my common sense.

i wrote a few poems last night. more like i finished a few. i had a lot of unfinished poems and i'm always relieved whenever i add closings to their bodies. and more pages in my book are filled. that's always promising. in other slight news that could collect within the past 2 days, i am a bit more occupied. as in, i don't wait around for certain friends and loved ones any more. i take whatever's handed to me. and i find strength to let go of things. i never knew how to let go of things until i found myself in the situation where i had to help another let go of things. in other perspective, i've come across understanding.

miracles drop from the heavens lately. it's interesting when i catch them because they often they slip through my fingers and i forget to recognize their brilliance. they're small things usually. like my mother forgiving me for sins i've directed at her, and myself being able to still breathe in honest depression. miracles are often disguised in luck and coincidence, but i've learned to notice their presence. they come rushing to my side in my times of mere worry or fear, and knowing that they're there is comforting to my journey.

not much can really happen within 2 days. well, so much can happen. but not enough to explain in words. too much to explain in words. either or the other. i haven't much more that i care to say so i'll leave you with my tip on miracles:

don't deny when you know you're blessed,

holy recievings must be confessed.

be grateful for the miracles you see

coincidence and luck are masks eventually.

goo 'day my loves.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Sat, 10 Jun 2006 17:35:51 GMT

today is saturday. hmm, interesting. my old typing day. i just now read over all of my entries. it amuses me from time to time to see my past words. i enjoy reading recorded memories. which is why i force myself to continue recording them really.

anyway, right now i'm at sherri's house, and i've just now succeeded in talking her to sleep. i don't mind though really. you see there are times whenever i'll talk out loud to myself for hours and knowing that no one's listening i don't really have to care about what i say or whatever. and i don't have to worry about people saying "what do you mean by that" or "that doesn't make any sense" or "huh?" because only i need to understand it so it's more free. but this time it was better i guess. because this time i knew she was listening at the beginning but she was just too tried to respond, and that she was listening but then again she wasn't. and as i was talking to her i said, "'and even if you're unconscious right now as i talk to you, it's still more comforting knowing that someone's in the presence and that these deep thoughts are being implanted into your head and dreams. and even if you're not thinking about what i am saying right now, you will be later on. and i like that sherri. really i do. " so it was fun. just expressing myself to her. and she's a good friend of mine anyway, so i liked being with her.

now, on with my life, i suppose. it's been..different i must say. well, i haven't stopped thinking about my past love but i am able to let opinions on him rest for moments. it's weird to stop thinking about him even for meaningless seconds. moving on, i had a friend over yesterday. a nice friend. he..makes me happy. he's not exactly similar in my thinking ways but i haven't really gotten to the deep thoughts of him yet so i wouldn't really know what goes on inside of his head anyway. and i had to wait for years to hear how incredible jacques' inner ideas and opinions were. so i can wait.

you know i can be a very patient person..when i am assured of the outcomes. whenever i know for sure and it is completely and entirely certain that something will happen, then i can wait for it as long as it takes. because technically i already have it i just can't hold it yet. but it's just that well, whenever i have to wait to find out what's going to happen to me or my future, that's whenever i get impatient really. i don't like waiting to find out what's going to happen. but i can however, wait for something to happen.

[sigh] i have no idea. a few nights ago i did something that i regret. and then something that i regret even worse. i can't really explain what those two things are on here for specific reasons, i'm sorry. it's just...i did something for no particular reason at all. and then in seeing the outcome of what i did, i took it back. don't ask how i did that, i just well...i took it back. i saw how horrible the consequences would've been if i had really done what i did. so i....made it go away. i lied to myself and said that it didn't really happen at all. it's entirely difficult to explain. but well, basically i did something without knowing what the effects it would have would do to me. so then, i rewinded life. but it still really happens. i'm just once again, lost in denial that's obvious to my own self.

this post hasn't been making very much sense so far has it now? probably because unlike all of the other times i didn't have anything prepared for this time. i mean the other times i never exactly had anything prepared, but my mind was recharged ahead of time. this time i'm perhaps just babbling in my own mind in hopes that it will make more sense when put into words, but opposites circle that hope.

my parents have entirely ungrounded me now, it seems. because i have had about two sleep overs since i got grounded and all. and i've went over to several friends' houses. i'm a bit uncertain about my love life lately. it's just that every day i dwell upon these strange movies and scenes on T.V. usually on TBS or abc family. i don't know. but usually like all movies nowadays, they have to do with two very strange people meeting each other in the most unpredictable ways. and through the movies i forget about my own life entirely. and i get to know the two people in the film and somehow they become a part of me and it becomes important to me on how they should end up. because they have sacrificed so much to get that far that now i only hope that the good endings continue.

then, although, at the end of the movie, im surprisingly happy, i suddenly become very sad. in knowing that this is not my happy, this is not my celebration or pride. it is another's, not even real, just entertainment played out and manipulating my young heart. i long for someone to hold and once again i am dreadfully impatient about the whole coming of just that. really i do wonder who i will end up with in life, it's such an interesting thing to think about. and i don't ant it to be some fake romance and marriage either where there are sparks at the beginning but then they like slowly fade out later whenever it's too late cause now they have kids and stuff like that. i don't want to have to fake to be happy. i want it to begin beautiful, and end beautiful.

but you know, those who think about the ones that they will end up with, and those who practically obsess over their future loves and whatnot, well, those are usually the ones that will end up with nothing. and honestly i don't want that to happen. really, i like being a kid. it's tremendously fun, and carefree at the right times. but it would be so much easier to enjoy if i had...a "someone" you know? maybe i'm just being impatient again you know? but everyone meets their soul mates whenever they're like 20 or grown up or whatever. i want to have one of those special cases where i like met them in high school, or middle school, but it's too late for that really.

sherri just now woke up so i guess i'm going to leave now. i haven't much left to say honestly. it was just a dragged out thought that i carried a bit too far. she just now suggested that i leave. so i guess that fun ended quickly. i'll write more later, but it will probably be another day. goo' day.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 15:24:30 GMT

today is what? hmm..ah yes, today is Tuesday. i have my life slightly figured out now. well, slightly as in, i know at least SOMETHING about it now. because before all i knew is that i was lost and even that was unsure. that makes no sense. i don't have time to bother with a clearer explanation.

so i have my good friend back. i never lost them really. i just sort of feared a few things. i'm paranoid, some people say. but really, with the things i've gone through, how can i not be paranoid? besides, once upon a time i was overly confident, and in that every snellish trick had my vulnerability in mind. i was a target in an open field. so i try not to be so confident now. well not out loud i guess. but this paranoid feeling keeps me safe in some situations, though it's not a comfortable feeling.

as for my long-lost relationship, i still doubt that i'll ever get over him. but i am able to date now. to flex my expectations. i let myself free a bit, but sometimes i think i get desperate and pick up the first damn guy on the sidewalk. it's a bad habit i suppose. it wasn't always. when i was content with the love i beheld i had no need for strangers and by-walkers. but now i almost crave to be loved and possessed. does that sound negative? i'm not sure if it was supposed to really.

i have however, stopped desperately seeking a replacement for jacques. i look more carefully at my selections before they're made. and i give things time. i have so much time, and i go through it insanely like i'm late for death or something. i stop that. i'm a bit more patient. but stubbornness still flows in my blood as it has since i was born. it's a permanent trait. though it wins many battles. but loses several wars.

i'm going to the mall today. and my parents aren't going to follow me. you may not know this, but that shows a change. one that i didn't expect nor deserve. they're beginning to trust me again. already?! normally getting drunk at the beach and arrested is something that takes 2 years to earn back the trust it lost me. [sigh] how mysterious my God is. my parents are already letting me free a bit. it's incredible. i'll have to keep in mind today not to get banned from the mall again or get into any sort of trouble at that. it's interesting that i'm reminding myself of this ahead of time. i never usually do that. and that's why i usually fail in acting wisely too. so this is good i guess. i'll stay out of trouble at my best.

in other news, i've become a bit less social. although that could be because of the summer. yet i'm not less social with everyone. some of my friends i've become more social with. and some of them i want to get as far away from them as possible. one of my best friends, i've been practically ignoring him. but that's for another reason. he wants us to be in a situation that i don't exactly agree with. sometimes friends should just stay friends. because if you ever get more intense with them and then try to go back to being just friends, well it's not there anymore. i mean you can still pretend. but in some fashion everything's changed. and then they just expect more then you are willing to give. yet why i do i feel guilty? confusion lurks again..

this summer hasn't gotten very far yet, but maybe that's because i've been holding it back. have i now? i haven't a clue. i still have much summer ahead, enough at least, to make something more of myself then i already am by the time school comes back. it's a private goal i've just made public i suppose. although you can predict it to be a dream that everyone possesses. well, i'll leave you with that thought which you may expel once it's given.

i'll come back here and try to put some of my poetry in. i haven't put anything like that in here for a dreadful amount of time. actually. i do have one thing i want to put in here. you see, one valentine's day, i wrote a poem and it was a bit of a sad one. it was called cupid's dart. and it talked about how cupid took advantage of me on that day. and then the next valentine's day after that one (the most recent valentine's day) i wrote a sequel i suppose. called cupid's defeat. it's where i thought i had been matched but didn't i find out so differently later... so here they are, the first and it's sequel.

Cupid’s dart

my soul expired,

a year to this day

my heart's bon fire

leaves ashes of gray

the smoke leaks out,

in disarray....

spoiled soul

burning heart

overruled

by cupid's dart.

though halo on his head, i know he's satin

he creates glass webs

now i'm overcome by craven.

the web he's weaved around my heart.

suffocates it with poisoned rope, and venomous darts

traps me inside this crystal chamber

the air is light, my face grows fainter.

Paler, and I’m drowned by this silver anchor.

with every dart that pierces my core.

i'm forced in love with more and more

with every arrow that gores my poise

i'm forced to kiss another of not my choice.

why would anyone trust cupid's aim?

he treats love as if it's only a game.

he mixes and matches the worst of all kind

soul mates, to him, are only a figure of mind.

the dimples from his smile sink far too deep.

the venom from his arrow, like blood, it leaks.

the wings on his back, like slaves to carry.

a creature so careless, as to choose who we marry.

he's not a woeful one he's greedy.

halo pure gold, he's very needy.

he's not an angel, he's a creature of trick.

from lover to lover he makes me sick.

guilt befall him if he's ever to perish

he must learn that love is something we cherish.

he's buried my soul, but i warn others still.

don't be fool, for ever arrow KILLS.

and it's sequel:

Cupid's defeat

This sincere passion rides my lips

When I say I love you so.

In eternity, we ’re dipped

Floating to and fro.

Last year upon this very day

The tears were bountiful.

But since this time you look my way

It’s certain wonderful.

Though cupid’s arrow gores,

My very flesh and veins.

The feeling stings no more,

And my heart’s all blood remains.

The chubby angel was a threat

But has been so upstaged.

What a pleasant show I’ve set

His dimples leave with rage.

For in my palm I hold no shame.

None but a lover’s hand.

A bond so pure cupid lost aim

He’ll never understand.

Don’t you see what we have done?

With all the strength and care.

We’ve beaten the brat, we’ve surely won

His bow falls in despair.

Last year cupid caught me

Poke me with such tease.

put in a jar, he mocked me,

my thrashed heart his sickly please.

But with our hands sewn

I will never play that role.

I’ll no longer stand alone

My life’s become a whole.

This day is for lovers

So we’re in the right place

Cause I doubt that another

Could carry me with grace.

And now cupid grunts and pouts

In all his known defeat.

The kisses and roses are handed out,

And he denies that he’s been beat.

My love for you expands,

It’s strength capacious as time.

So please just hold my hand

And I’ll be contently fine.

But only with our hearts combined,

My love, my valentine.

happy reading and goo' day.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 22:31:05 GMT

well, tomorrow is saturday. for some reason i am actually typing on this thing and i have no idea how. why yes i was intended to be grounded throughout the entire summer and somehow i am not. anyway, i'm losing much more then i have intended to lately.

as you all know, i lost jacques already. still not over that. but i recall, that when i was going out with him i'd get very pissed off at his ex-girlfriend for talking about him while we were going out, so i'm not going to talk about him because..alas, he has a new girlfriend. rather an old one actually. but they're going out again. i just watch. it's weird. he calls her by a name that sort of rhymes with mine. GAH! i said i wouldn't talk about him

alright returning to so very distant reality, life has been weird lately. i have had so much spare time to do all of these things that i've never had time to do before. and yet, i leave them untouched and resolve to doing nothing. i don't know why. i feel strange lately.

i've been using the word "lately" a lot lately. and the reason for that is, that i really only remember the things that happen "lately" everything from long ago has become extinct somehow. yet it's also very real and very there. but when i came to this site and scrolled down and through my old posts, it's almost as if i was hearing it all for the first time. i have to be reminded of the steps i once took

i feel like i'm watching my life on a screen. an old fashioned ones with little scratches showing up in random places from time to time. it much reminds me of a poem i once wrote. "puppet tears" i haven't the time to write it all out right now. well i do, but i...i don't know. i don't have the poem

yes, i've lost all of my poems. i have only their rough drafts which i can hardly read, and my newest ones. as for my old ones, i gave them to a loved one long ago and thought that because they were in his hands i'd perhaps get them back one day. but now some of my best pieces of art are lost. and i...don't know how to get them back. but with some of my first poems gone, it feels as if there's been a part of me taken out. i'm...incomplete.

well, i was incomplete to begin with. i had missing pieces strewn across the damn floor. but little by little, the hole is becoming bigger. within a short while i have lost so many things i held dear. and i don't want to put all of the things i feel as if i've lost on here because...well..it doesn't seem right. but there is a friend of mine. and i don't know where they went. and they were one of the only living things that seemed to have understood me. and lately, (there's the word again) they've been non-existent. i forget what they're like, what they like, and even what they look like almost.

it's insane the way i've been living lately, really it is. i have no idea where i belong. well it's obviously not the first time you've heard that line. and i'm not going to say anything like "this case is different" because perhaps it's really not any bit different at all. i suppose that i deserve many of the losses i have encountered. really i do. i asked for the whole losing the love of my life thing. i pushed it too far. not even knowing that it was on the edge of certainty itself. and yet, below that sure cliff, was none other then a tangled mess of denial.

and isn't it funny that that's exactly what i've landed in? denial itself. well, i've hardly learned to face the denial i possess. but i have learned to admit that i am in denial of so very much. i just still deny and sometimes pretend to be stupid so that i have an excuse for doing stupid things. i've always done stupid things. most of my friends have understood them. well not exactly understood them. but they've put up with them. and now, a friend of mine, a very good one, seems to be tired of putting up with the whole mess. and i really don't blame her.

however, i am used to losing things lately. loves, privileges, friends, values, and long-lost trust. but just because i'm used to it doesn't mean that i'm any less saddened by it. my childish crying continues as if my incomplete self is leaking through all of the missing places of my life. [sigh] and then these metaphors and similes..do they really define me? i think not, in an honest say, they just make me feel confused. so i'm not left out. it feels weird to have no one else understand a word that i'm saying when i understand it all completely. therefore, i confuse myself as well, making us all one big slop of confusion and uncertainty.

well good lord, haven't i typed quite a page? there's seems to be nothing else to do with my life lately. and i wanted to remember more then just the latelys damnit. so i came here to read past words. sometimes i can't believe the things i once wrote. was i ever that happy? did i ever believe i was that happy at least? at long last, i have realized an incredible thing. my conscience is not there. like i thought she always was. she is not. and nor am i? i put a question mark there, but for what reason? because i'm not sure whether i'm here or not? is it possible for someone to believe in themselves not existing so much, that they really just....evaporate and disappear into this forever eternal nothing?

and is it a dangerous thing to test? does it matter what danger approaches me now? i feel alone and useless. it used to be that whenever i lost something it was just sad. because then i had less. but now that i've lost everything, it's pathetic. because i have none. i used to have the remains of my life to look to whenever i got a chunk of myself stolen by greedy hands. but now i have nothing to look to. god damnit, well, that's enough scribble for today. but is it really enough? is it ever enough? what does enough mean?

enough to live? enough to be happy? enough to exist? i haven't a clue what the word enough means. that word is strange. but i do know one thing. i took it for granted. one time i reached high over head for that word so much that i spilt everything on the shelf, and what i didn't know, is that i had that word all along.

and now that i've had enough...will i...ever have it again?

greedy, greedy thoughts...

Monday, May 15, 2006

Mon, 15 May 2006 22:10:15 GMT

I'm so damn grounded. I can not risk being on this stupid thing at all. My parents are currently out to "dinner" discussing my punishment. rehab is mentioned. I just got on here to say that I'm sorry for not like, posting on my usual Saturday. And I have to go now. I got drunk and arrested at the beach this weekend. I have to go to court as the victim of a guy's crime (some guy that I met at the beach) "repulsive behavior on a minor" I am the minor. and my crime "Public Intoxication." was what caused my mom to have to pick me up from the county jail of st. george island this weekend. the day before mother's day too. So many fucking regrets. I however, did hold god's hands the next day. I...was..talking to him..and somehow, I have no idea how though, I held his hands...and he held mine too. And..we talked. I think. I don't know. But oh good lord, I am so sorry to you. The punishment I get is expected to match the crime that was commited. And therefore I expect the worst. cause I've done the worst. Destroying your beautiful creation of me. Ugh, I have to go. I am not allowed to be on here. Advice? I doubt it. I love you all. I wont be on here for long most likely.

good..

..day..

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Sat, 06 May 2006 13:07:20 GMT

Well it's been exactly a week since I last wrote in here. I tend to wake up early on Saturday mornings to write and such so I've decided to continue doing this only ever Saturday morning and I suppose other mornings too if I'm willing to do it.

Well, I don't have a boyfriend anymore. And I don't think that I'll be getting one for quite a while. I think that the last boyfriend that I had was kind of just a replacement for Jacques. And I don't want to replace anyone like that so I just broke up with him. and the worst part is that now I have some horrible reputation..at another school though. Strange no? Some stupid rumor (though no rumor is smart) started up that I broke up with Kristian to go out with some other guy. I most certainly did not. I broke up with Kristian cause I wasn't ready for a boyfriend. However, this other guy who had liked me kept begging me to go out with him. And I told him that he doesn't seem like the type to wait. And that if he could wait for me for 3 weeks, threeeeeeeeeee weeks, then I may consider him May! may may may may may!!!!!! That's almost definitely not going to happen now. Alas, I still feel horrible. But moving on, I'm rarely the type to fill up xanga with boyfriend news and gossip and whatnot.

My grades are still improving much compared to the last report card. Yet they are rudely slipping down from what they were at the beginning of these 9 weeks. I haven't a clue why I can never apply myself the FULL 9 weeks. Sigh. It's a curse I imagine. I'm hungry. A stomach growl just emerged. heheh.

My mother lets me do more now that I have good grades. Whenever she first saw my grades she was ecstatic. My daddy, however, was not so ecstatic. But let me tell you why. Whenever I had bad grades, he was never really mad at me. Just disappointed. But not at me. He just used to say "I know you can do it. That's why I'm not all that worried. Cause I know that if you actually try...you can do it." and then whenever I got good grades I called him up and told him. But he just said, "That's great sweetie. But....I knew you could do it." ehehh. So it's really just because he had always seen the greatness in me, so this wasn't too new. I love him. Love him love him love him. My mother too. I just sometimes think that he deserves to have it written out.

As for the Jacques situation, well, I don't know. I talked to him yesterday. And the day before and before. We talked. Well, rather...I talked. He hardly says anything. And he's all dull lately too. It's strange. He sounds dead or something. Where as he used to be all goofy and weird and cool. Florida high has murdered his personality if you ask me. I miss our old conversations much. He says that I should try and "put them in the past forever"...like he's done. Sigh. Sad days have been leaking through my recoveries lately.

I found out yesterday that this summer I have to attend some weird "intense language class" ? or something like that. I failed this whole year of Spanish so now I have to go to that thing Monday through Friday a couple hours everyday. Ugh! I get mad just remembering that I have to deal with this shit now. Oh well, every action has its consequence eh?

This must be terribly boring for all of you (like 2 people) cause I don't have much interesting stuff going on in my life lately. I thought I was over Jacques the other day. I just kept saying very quietly, "Over him...over him..over him..over him..over him.." in my head and slightly out loud. Later I realized that I had just been high and way too happy. I'm not over him. I...I don't know.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 12:55:55 GMT

hello everyone. it's been a while no? i don't know what's caused me to get up the strength to write on here. it's an early Saturday morning and i want to write. but i actually just want to type, so type i shall? yes, that's it. my life has been...interesting. yesterday would've been mine and Jacques' half a year anniversary. WOULD have been. he didn't remember.

i have been writing poems insanely lately. insanely! i kind of like it. but well, last time that i was writing poems "insanely" it's because i really WAS insane and the considerations of my future weren't clean. but this time it is different. there are times that i am happy for a moment. and then there are times when i break out into millions of tears. opposites. a regular part of one's emotions.

i have a boyfriend as much as i feel weird saying that. honestly, i felt too weird being single. i mean, don't get me wrong, i DO like this guy. he's sweet. and nice. and funny. but he's not....well, you know. ugh, life HAS been complicated.

i've been getting all A's and B's for the first time in my life. mom is proud. that's new. daddy is proud. that's not new. tom is....forgiving. and that is incredibly new. i don't know if my step-mom yet knows about my good grades but she'd be proud all the same.

the smoking has gotten worse. i went to see a play last night Sheri and Kristin. 42nd street. there, i met up with some of "those" friends. James, Lucy, and Kristine. they had cigarettes. and i had cravings. yesturday was a bad day. being the day that it was and all. i kept looking at the sky in search of a star. there were many, but i saw none to be entirely honest about it.

i have many poems that i would much enjoy writing in here but i can't seem to pluck a specific one from my book so i may leave the poetry space here an empty one. well, i do have an unfinished poem that i began yesterday. care to glaze? mind never. just...well, it's here for those who appreciate and don't appreciate. you match yourselves to whether doing so reading or not is right.

inhaling the poison, i swallow toxic mist.

release it again, a cloud tears an twists.

mixing with the oxygen, crackling all it's wonder.

crushes all the beauty like sour invisible thunder.

the cloud disappears, evaporates like dust.

i hold the weapon away, i long for a windily gust.

the odor stings my nose, yet i refuse to dispose the creator.

i inhale another stream, i make earth ugly as a painter.

painting over hills of green with smokey puffs of gray.

rotting all the glittering flowers, sprinkle ashes on their decay.

flooding the gravel streets with filters of poisoned tubes so pealing.

an eternal destruction for just one moment of careless feelings.

sitting on this soil, soft grains of individual charm.

i hold the burning weapon, inhaling treacherous harm.

fragile mosquitos, stab at my skin.

daggers with wings, thirsty within.

my freckles are targets, they sting as they sip.

my blood ejects in through their tiny tips

i swat at the specks, murder a few.

my arms itch and tingle, red spots break through.

i blow smoke at the critters, my private dragon fire.

the buzzing stops as they fall, their death was my desire.

achieving my relaxation again, through an unfair game.

for i held the weapon where as a they fought bare and untamed.

sacrifices, sacrifices, written and signed, approved through my calm state.

numerous loves, given up so quick, for this coiling weapon of hate.

~lizzy cooper

alright. well, i kind of just now added nearly 12 more lines as i was typing it. in random places really. but be honest on that one. i personally don't think that it's one of my better ones. but nonetheless. it's how i felt and as all others, it had to be done. well, i hear my brother and perhaps a guest of his screaming and...moaning....in the kitchen. so i'm going to leave before the disturbance migrates to the computer room entirely ruining this message to the world. well, i'm not going to discuss my situation with God this time. cause we're close. and that's all that i need. as for Jacques....well, i hang in there. goo'day.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 20:12:33 GMT

so you guys know the guy that i mention at least a thousand times in my posts? by the beautiful name of jacques? i talk about him often. well, he broke up with me. and with a few promises made i am assured that we will be together again. and it's weird, cause i always thought that i would make a majorly long post about this whenever happened. well, actually no i didn't. cause i didn't ever think that it would happen. but when it did that's what i thought. but no. in fact i have no use for this anymore. i used it as a way to express my impossible amount of love for jacques. one day we'll be reunited. he promised so. but until then i have to act happy. i promised so. so many promises. any real? i don't know. but i am lost. and i will recover. honestly. but this may remained untouched for an uncomfortable amount of time.

jacques: i still am incredibly in love with you. never be afraid to tell me anything. no matter what you think my response to it may be. don't be afraid. i want to hear everything you have to say. honestly. i pray that we stay in love. somehow. please, just give me that. goodbye jacques. what am i saying. nothing about this bye is good. ugh, i must stop here or i'll reach to a minimum of three chapters. i'm in love with you till i die. and even then, after meaningless death, my soul is yours. i'm so in love with you.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 21:02:15 GMT

(i figured i'd make it bigger this time seeing as i have noticed that my small font is difficult to read)

well, a while it's been since the myspace began. yes, and as always, i'm sincerely sorry for not writing in this. although most of you, if there are enough to have a most probably don't care or you're happy that i stopped writing so many freaking posts a day.well, the point is i am as well sorry to myself. for i have failed to continue my writing in a sense.

i now write in this strange notebook every day. it began as a note to my love and somehow expanded into my thoughts and opinions of every day. will he take the time to read it all? i behold not the answer. i only hope it comes of use.

well, to start off, i've recently made some new changes to life and i've also had some new changes approached me on their own.

i am closer to Jacques now, although it seems that i've always been as close to him as i ever could be. so i guess it's really rather that he's come closer to me and learned to appreciate me more. which i find significant cause i truly hardly feel worthy of the appreciation i'm given lately.

for instance, i got confirmed last weekend, and i felt so undeserving. i mean whenever i first started my quest to be confirmed into my church i felt worthy but the things that happened and the influences that i invited during the quest just made me feel as if i hadn't stuck to my part of the invisible agreement i feel i've signed.

anyway, i've given up a bad habit for oh say, the third time, but this time it'll be more of a challenge to quit because i actually had become addicted this time. the others it was a mild side part to my life. but it became my life this time, thus it shall come as an obstacle course to me to overcome said addiction. hmm...where was i before i befell this subject?

ha. it's easier whenever i can look up and read what i had been thinking before instead of having to trace through every subject i passed on my way to the current one. ah well, it still hasn't given me much of a clue. hence my decision made to start a new subject.

i help people. that's just what i fancy doing it really is. and i've been trying to help out this one friend of mine for quite sometime lately and even agreeing to do his stupid stunts and participating in all of his wrong actions in hopes of earning his trust through having similar interests. although, i realized yesterday, that i myself was only getting sucked into his life and becoming it and losing myself in the end. i shan't give up on him, but for the first time, i have doubts arising that i'll be able to save this one. it's heart breaking really. i can't seem to understand why i could get across to others so easily all the time. well, not so easily. but it would only take about 6 months at the most earn their trust and attention. but this one wont listen to begin with. maybe i'm trying myself with more then i can handle, but oh, i hate to believe that i really do.

how nice this feels, typing all of my thoughts in a nice patient manner as if i really do want to be doing this. and mind me i really do want to be doing this right now. but before i came here to drop off this post, i'd been finding myself forcing myself to come here to update this thing before it expired from existence. it's still hardly here. and i feel like i'm cheating in a way. acting like i'm a natural born xanga post writer whenever really i've been abandoning this thing continuously lately for something, that really isn't even as much fun as this. i guess it's just how every time you go to myspace you're hoping greatly for some big blue letters saying "new friend requests!" or "new messages" or especially "new picture comments" it's just intimidating. and overly exhausting to visit that retched thing constantly and obsessively in hopes of more and more friends.

sheesh. if xanga had the weird "new" acknowledgements that pop up like myspace did, i'm sure that it would be so much more popular. well, i hardly feel satisfied but i am indeed content more now then before where i'd left my xanga emptied and forgotten before.

agh, the phone keeps ringing. a different caller every time. in times like these, i'd really just enjoy the absence of those sounds. although i must admit, that if i were to pick it up and found out that it was Jacques then i'd be more then happy to welcome the sound beginning with a ring, and proceeding with his voice. well, those are my words of wisdom. ignored by most i suppose.

people often comment saying "your post is too long so tell me about it later" the post is there to read people. and i wouldn't be able to tell you about it later cause i type and write so much differently then i do talk. my stories don't compare in the sense that i tell them when written and spoken. i love to talk really. but talking doesn't deserve these words. only the beautiful and creative gift of writing deserves these words if not so much more.

i love you Jacques and hope that your patience agrees to read this, though i don't blame you if you don't. just a small message in here for you love. well, now i'm going to leave. and i already have my next visit planned ahead of time. a hypnotic visit to good ol' myspace. well, goo'day kids.