I'm so damn grounded. I can not risk being on this stupid thing at all. My parents are currently out to "dinner" discussing my punishment. rehab is mentioned. I just got on here to say that I'm sorry for not like, posting on my usual Saturday. And I have to go now. I got drunk and arrested at the beach this weekend. I have to go to court as the victim of a guy's crime (some guy that I met at the beach) "repulsive behavior on a minor" I am the minor. and my crime "Public Intoxication." was what caused my mom to have to pick me up from the county jail of st. george island this weekend. the day before mother's day too. So many fucking regrets. I however, did hold god's hands the next day. I...was..talking to him..and somehow, I have no idea how though, I held his hands...and he held mine too. And..we talked. I think. I don't know. But oh good lord, I am so sorry to you. The punishment I get is expected to match the crime that was commited. And therefore I expect the worst. cause I've done the worst. Destroying your beautiful creation of me. Ugh, I have to go. I am not allowed to be on here. Advice? I doubt it. I love you all. I wont be on here for long most likely.

good..

..day..

Well it's been exactly a week since I last wrote in here. I tend to wake up early on Saturday mornings to write and such so I've decided to continue doing this only ever Saturday morning and I suppose other mornings too if I'm willing to do it.

Well, I don't have a boyfriend anymore. And I don't think that I'll be getting one for quite a while. I think that the last boyfriend that I had was kind of just a replacement for Jacques. And I don't want to replace anyone like that so I just broke up with him. and the worst part is that now I have some horrible reputation..at another school though. Strange no? Some stupid rumor (though no rumor is smart) started up that I broke up with Kristian to go out with some other guy. I most certainly did not. I broke up with Kristian cause I wasn't ready for a boyfriend. However, this other guy who had liked me kept begging me to go out with him. And I told him that he doesn't seem like the type to wait. And that if he could wait for me for 3 weeks, threeeeeeeeeee weeks, then I may consider him May! may may may may may!!!!!!  That's almost definitely not going to happen now. Alas, I still feel horrible. But moving on, I'm rarely the type to fill up xanga with boyfriend news and gossip and whatnot.

My grades are still improving much compared to the last report card. Yet they are rudely slipping down from what they were at the beginning of these 9 weeks. I haven't a clue why I can never apply myself the FULL 9 weeks. Sigh. It's a curse I imagine. I'm hungry. A stomach growl just emerged. heheh.

My mother lets me do more now that I have good grades. Whenever she first saw my grades she was ecstatic. My daddy, however, was not so ecstatic. But let me tell you why. Whenever I had bad grades, he was never really mad at me. Just disappointed. But not at me. He just used to say "I know you can do it. That's why I'm not all that worried. Cause I know that if you actually try...you can do it." and then whenever I got good grades I called him up and told him. But he just said, "That's great sweetie. But....I knew you could do it." ehehh. So it's really just because he had always seen the greatness in me, so this wasn't too new. I love him. Love him love him love him. My mother too. I just sometimes think that he deserves to have it written out.

As for the Jacques situation, well, I don't know. I talked to him yesterday. And the day before and before. We talked. Well, rather...I talked. He hardly says anything. And he's all dull lately too. It's strange. He sounds dead or something. Where as he used to be all goofy and weird and cool. Florida high has murdered his personality if you ask me. I miss our old conversations much. He says that I should try and "put them in the past forever"...like he's done. Sigh. Sad days have been leaking through my recoveries lately.

I found out yesterday that this summer I have to attend some weird "intense language class" ? or something like that. I failed this whole year of Spanish so now I have to go to that thing Monday through Friday a couple hours everyday. Ugh! I get mad just remembering that I have to deal with this shit now. Oh well, every action has its consequence eh?

This must be terribly boring for all of you (like 2 people) cause I don't have much interesting stuff going on in my life lately. I thought I was over Jacques the other day. I just kept saying very quietly, "Over him...over him..over him..over him..over him.." in my head and slightly out loud. Later I realized that I had just been high and way too happy. I'm not over him. I...I don't know.

hello everyone. it's been a while no? i don't know what's caused me to get up the strength to write on here. it's an early Saturday morning and i want to write. but i actually just want to type, so type i shall? yes, that's it. my life has been...interesting. yesterday would've been mine and Jacques' half a year anniversary. WOULD have been. he didn't remember.

i have been writing poems insanely lately. insanely! i kind of like it. but well, last time that i was writing poems "insanely" it's because i really WAS insane and the considerations of my future weren't clean. but this time it is different. there are times that i am happy for a moment. and then there are times when i break out into millions of tears. opposites. a regular part of one's emotions.

i have a boyfriend as much as i feel weird saying that. honestly, i felt too weird being single. i mean, don't get me wrong, i DO like this guy. he's sweet. and nice. and funny. but he's not....well, you know. ugh, life HAS been complicated.

i've been getting all A's and B's for the first time in my life. mom is proud. that's new. daddy is proud. that's not new. tom is....forgiving. and that is incredibly new. i don't know if my step-mom yet knows about my good grades but she'd be proud all the same.

the smoking has gotten worse. i went to see a play last night Sheri and Kristin. 42nd street. there, i met up with some of "those" friends. James, Lucy, and Kristine. they had cigarettes. and i had cravings. yesturday was a bad day. being the day that it was and all. i kept looking at the sky in search of  a star. there were many, but i saw none to be entirely honest about it.

i have many poems that i would much enjoy writing in here but i can't seem to pluck a specific one from my book so i may leave the poetry space here an empty one. well, i do have an unfinished poem that i began yesterday. care to glaze? mind never. just...well, it's here for those who appreciate and don't appreciate. you match yourselves to whether doing so reading or not is right.

inhaling the poison, i swallow toxic mist.

release it again, a cloud tears an twists.

mixing with the oxygen, crackling all it's wonder.

crushes all the beauty like sour invisible thunder.

the cloud disappears, evaporates like dust.

i hold the weapon away, i long for a windily gust.

the odor stings my nose, yet i refuse to dispose the creator.

i inhale another stream, i make earth ugly as a painter.

painting over hills of green with smokey puffs of gray.

rotting all the glittering flowers, sprinkle ashes on their decay.

flooding the gravel streets with filters of poisoned tubes so pealing.

an eternal destruction for just one moment of careless feelings.

sitting on this soil, soft grains of individual charm.

i hold the burning weapon, inhaling treacherous harm.

fragile mosquitos, stab at my skin.

daggers with wings, thirsty within.

my freckles are targets, they sting as they sip.

my blood ejects in through their tiny tips

i swat at the specks, murder a few.

my arms itch and tingle, red spots break through.

i blow smoke at the critters, my private dragon fire.

the buzzing stops as they fall, their death was my desire.

achieving my relaxation again, through an unfair game.

for i held the weapon where as a they fought bare and untamed.

sacrifices, sacrifices, written and signed, approved through my calm state.

numerous loves, given up so quick, for this coiling weapon of hate.

~lizzy cooper

alright. well, i kind of just now added nearly 12 more lines as i was typing it. in random places really. but be honest on that one. i personally don't think that it's one of my better ones. but nonetheless. it's how i felt and as all others, it had to be done. well, i hear my brother and perhaps a guest of his screaming and...moaning....in the kitchen. so i'm going to leave before the disturbance migrates to the computer room entirely ruining this message to the world. well, i'm not going to discuss my situation with God this time. cause we're close. and that's all that i need. as for Jacques....well, i hang in there. goo'day.

so you guys know the guy that i mention at least a thousand times in my posts? by the beautiful name of jacques? i talk about him often. well, he broke up with me. and with a few promises made i am assured that we will be together again. and it's weird, cause i always thought that i would make a majorly long post about this whenever happened. well, actually no i didn't. cause i didn't ever think that it would happen. but when it did that's what i thought. but no. in fact i have no use for this anymore. i used it as a way to express my impossible amount of love for jacques. one day we'll be reunited. he promised so. but until then i have to act happy. i promised so. so many promises. any real? i don't know. but i am lost. and i will recover. honestly. but this may remained untouched for an uncomfortable amount of time.

jacques: i still am incredibly in love with you. never be afraid to tell me anything. no matter what you think my response to it may be. don't be afraid. i want to hear everything you have to say. honestly. i pray that we stay in love. somehow. please, just give me that. goodbye jacques. what am i saying. nothing about this bye is good. ugh, i must stop here or i'll reach to a minimum of three chapters. i'm in love with you till i die. and even then, after meaningless death, my soul is yours. i'm so in love with you.

(i figured i'd make it bigger this time seeing as i have noticed that my small font is difficult to read)

   well, a while it's been since the myspace began. yes, and as always, i'm sincerely sorry for not writing in this. although most of you, if there are enough to have a most probably don't care or you're happy that i stopped writing so many freaking posts a day.well, the point is i am as well sorry to myself. for i have failed to continue my writing in a sense.

   i now write in this strange notebook every day. it began as a note to my love and somehow expanded into my thoughts and opinions of every day. will he take the time to read it all? i behold not the answer. i only hope it comes of use.

   well, to start off, i've recently made some new changes to life and i've also had some new changes approached me on their own.

   i am closer to Jacques now, although it seems that i've always been as close to him as i ever could be. so i guess it's really rather that he's come closer to me and learned to appreciate me more. which i find significant cause i truly hardly feel worthy of the appreciation i'm given lately.

   for instance, i got confirmed last weekend, and i felt so undeserving. i mean whenever i first started my quest to be confirmed into my church i felt worthy but the things that happened and the influences that i invited during the quest just made me feel as if i hadn't stuck to my part of the invisible agreement i feel i've signed.   

   anyway, i've given up a bad habit for oh say, the third time, but this time it'll be more of a challenge to quit because i actually had become addicted this time. the others it was a mild side part to my life. but it became my life this time, thus it shall come as an obstacle course to me to overcome said addiction. hmm...where was i before i befell this subject?

   ha. it's easier whenever i can look up and read what i had been thinking before instead of having to trace through every subject i passed on my way to the current one. ah well, it still hasn't given me much of a clue. hence my decision made to start a new subject.  

   i help people. that's just what i fancy doing it really is. and i've been trying to help out this one friend of mine for quite sometime lately and even agreeing to do his stupid stunts and participating in all of his wrong actions in hopes of earning his trust through having similar interests. although, i realized yesterday, that i myself was only getting sucked into his life and becoming it and losing myself in the end. i shan't give up on him, but for the first time, i have doubts arising that i'll be able to save this one. it's heart breaking really. i can't seem to understand why i could get across to others so easily all the time. well, not so easily. but it would only take about 6 months at the most earn their trust and attention. but this one wont listen to begin with. maybe i'm trying myself with more then i can handle, but oh, i hate to believe that i really do.

   how nice this feels, typing all of my thoughts in a nice patient manner as if i really do want to be doing this. and mind me i really do want to be doing this right now. but before i came here to drop off this post, i'd been finding myself forcing myself to come here to update this thing before it expired from existence. it's still hardly here. and i feel like i'm cheating in a way. acting like i'm a natural born xanga post writer whenever really i've been abandoning this thing continuously lately for something, that really isn't even as much fun as this. i guess it's just how every time you go to myspace you're hoping greatly for some big blue letters saying "new friend requests!" or "new messages" or especially "new picture comments" it's just intimidating. and overly exhausting to visit that retched thing constantly and obsessively in hopes of more and more friends.

   sheesh. if xanga had the weird "new" acknowledgements that pop up like myspace did, i'm sure that it would be so much more popular. well, i hardly feel satisfied but i am indeed content more now then before where i'd left my xanga emptied and forgotten before.

   agh, the phone keeps ringing. a different caller every time. in times like these, i'd really just enjoy the absence of those sounds. although i must admit, that if i were to pick it up and found out that it was Jacques  then i'd be more then happy to welcome the sound beginning with a ring, and proceeding with his voice. well, those are my words of wisdom. ignored by most i suppose.

   people often comment saying "your post is too long so tell me about it later" the post is there to read people. and i wouldn't be able to tell you about it later cause i type and write so much differently then i do talk. my stories don't compare in the sense that i tell them when written and spoken. i love to talk really. but talking doesn't deserve these words. only the beautiful and creative gift of writing deserves these words if not so much more.

   i love you Jacques and hope that your patience agrees to read this, though i don't blame you if you don't. just a small message in here for you love. well, now i'm going to leave. and i already have my next visit planned ahead of time. a hypnotic visit to good ol' myspace. well, goo'day kids.