well, it's a Tuesday morning and i realize that my xanga posts have halted or at least slowed down so here i am to keep them more then occasional. i just got back from the beach about two days ago. i stayed there for a week. i met some people and that was fun. i seem to be meeting more guys then i intend to lately. but who knows, perhaps it is intended. one of the guys that i met i have become good friends with and we seem to be staying in touch quite well through the Internet and phone and it's planned that we'll meet again near the end of July.

anyway, i broke up with another boyfriend recently. sigh. i don't know why i even get myself into steady relationships when i really can't bring myself to care about them for more then a week. i disappoint myself really when i do this. maybe i'll be smart enough to refrain from steady relationships for a safe while or perhaps, in a naive youth i'll go fishing for them carelessly again.

i've recently been through another loss. one that i never knew would hurt if i did ever lose it. a friend, but so much more then that has showed me what i thought i learned a long time ago. if i take advantage of a person, they will not stick around to see it happen again. in 7th grade i did this. i lost some over and over. but i never really lost them because they always came crawling back. and then one fateful summer, they were not there when i turned around. in that, i remained hurt for a long time. and it's just ironic and almost bothersome to me that i could make the exact same mistake again without realizing how identical the processes were to reach the failure. which is loss. however, this friend is a forgiving one and i am certain that he'll talk to me again sometime soon. but, it wont be the same when we do talk again. i wont have all the power and control. then again, maybe it's dangerous when i'm in charge. i should wait for my choices to develop before i throw them into effective action.

i now face a truth that i have lost my love for quite a while for he has fallen for a worthy other that he's known for quite some time by now. and in that, i see a long relationship in the future. and in that, i pity myself for caring. however, if i do regain my recent loss, i see that recovery from this past loss is possible.

i've written several new poems lately that i may paste in here in a short moment. i haven't much more to say. so i give you these rhymes. which i by the way don't see as some of my best.

Realization

Mistakable and breakable, my heart seems to be.

Destiny before me, how could I not see?

Glass vile of truth, smashed on concrete.

My common sense, has so found simple defeat.

Incredible love caught me, surprised and unaware.

Was I attempting denial? Or was I really scared…

Miracles and blessings, thrashed to second chances.

You reject my apologies, and all my admittances.

I wish and plead, for so much to be mine.

But what I need, is far more then blind.

Desires and demands, I now push aside.

Will you accept a hope, ignore how I lied?

A greedy self I am, to take advantage of you.

Those who make me smile, there are a rare few.

To take so little care of, the one I love so much.

How could I let my prince, slip through my desperate clutch?

Dear love I plead and beg, for you to hold my hand.

Though never before did you, require begging, commands.

I remember once upon a time and for a while.

When to make you love me, all I had to do was smile.

~lizzy cooper

Undeserving

Dodging all your love, with devilish cheatings.

Remaining afraid of, commitment and needing.

Sorrows befall my lips, I realize where I fell.

Ability made me trip, fall into failure’s well.

Lying in this tomb, deep thought endures me so.

Am I forever doomed, to dwell on sorrow?

Once kicked to the wall, I thought I’d never heal.

But picked up from my fall, I found something that’s real.

Innocence in your eyes, and protection in your arms.

I found out how to rise, above the devil’s charm.

I found a confidence, within my fossil soul.

But your eye’s innocence, is what really made me whole.

The complete honesty, within every word you gave.

Your instant modesty, that made me grin and crave.

Your humor and delight, dear lord, it made me smile.

And you frowned and sighed, when I went missing for a while.

All your sloppy thoughts, unorganized but so pure.

Bad news was forgot, after I read your words.

Your incredible innocence, how could I give that up?

Alone in an instance, I see where I screwed up.

At first I was confused, unused to your reject.

Then I see how I used, your every intellect.

Gathered up your great, and kept it for myself.

Then set it neatly, upon the highest shelf.

And now I only look, to the empty shelf above.

Only dusty books, but no longer lies your love.

I hope day and night, that you’ll go insane and crack.

Go so crazy that you might, consider taking me back?

~lizzy cooper

both were written yesterday on my back porch, while i was swapping thoughts with life. the meanings of these poems appear obvious although the true point they make is far from apparent. anyway, i leave you with this. another post of mine. another piece of me, will a use ever befall my words? goo 'day.