well, tomorrow is saturday. for some reason i am actually typing on this thing and i have no idea how. why yes i was intended to be grounded throughout the entire summer and somehow i am not. anyway, i'm losing much more then i have intended to lately.

  as you all know, i lost jacques already. still not over that. but i recall, that when i was going out with him i'd get very pissed off at his ex-girlfriend for talking about him while we were going out, so i'm not going to talk about him because..alas, he has a new girlfriend. rather an old one actually. but they're going out again. i just watch. it's weird. he calls her by a name that sort of rhymes with mine. GAH! i said i wouldn't talk about him

alright returning to so very distant reality, life has been weird lately. i have had so much spare time to do all of these things that i've never had time to do before. and yet, i leave them untouched and resolve to doing nothing. i don't know why. i feel strange lately.

i've been using the word "lately" a lot lately. and the reason for that is, that i really only remember the things that happen "lately" everything from long ago has become extinct somehow. yet it's also very real and very there. but when i came to this site and scrolled down and through my old posts, it's almost as if i was hearing it all for the first time. i have to be reminded of the steps i once took

i feel like i'm watching my life on a screen. an old fashioned ones with little scratches showing up in random places from time to time. it much reminds me of a poem i once wrote. "puppet tears" i haven't the time to write it all out right now. well i do, but i...i don't know. i don't have the poem

yes, i've lost all of my poems. i have only their rough drafts which i can hardly read, and my newest ones. as for my old ones, i gave them to a loved one long ago and thought that because they were in his hands i'd perhaps get them back one day. but now some of my best pieces of art are lost. and i...don't know how to get them back. but with some of my first poems gone, it feels as if there's been a part of me taken out. i'm...incomplete.

well, i was incomplete to begin with. i had missing pieces strewn across the damn floor. but little by little, the hole is becoming bigger. within a short while i have lost so many things i held dear. and i don't want to put all of the things i feel as if i've lost on here because...well..it doesn't seem right. but there is a friend of mine. and i don't know where they went. and they were one of the only living things that seemed to have understood me. and lately, (there's the word again) they've been non-existent. i forget what they're like, what they like, and even what they look like almost.

it's insane the way i've been living lately, really it is. i have no idea where i belong. well it's obviously not the first time you've heard that line. and i'm not going to say anything like "this case is different" because perhaps it's really not any bit different at all. i suppose that i deserve many of the losses i have encountered. really i do. i asked for the whole losing the love of my life thing. i pushed it too far. not even knowing that it was on the edge of certainty itself. and yet, below that sure cliff, was none other then a tangled mess of denial.

and isn't it funny that that's exactly what i've landed in? denial itself. well, i've hardly learned to face the denial i possess. but i have learned to admit that i am in denial of so very much. i just still deny and sometimes pretend to be stupid so that i have an excuse for doing stupid things. i've always done stupid things. most of my friends have understood them. well not exactly understood them. but they've put up with them. and now, a friend of mine, a very good one, seems to be tired of putting up with the whole mess. and i really don't blame her.

however, i am used to losing things lately. loves, privileges, friends, values, and long-lost trust. but just because i'm used to it doesn't mean that i'm any less saddened by it. my childish crying continues as if my incomplete self is leaking through all of the missing places of my life. [sigh] and then these metaphors and similes..do they really define me? i think not, in an honest say, they just make me feel confused. so i'm not left out. it feels weird to have no one else understand a word that i'm saying when i understand it all completely. therefore, i confuse myself as well, making us all one big slop of confusion and uncertainty.

well good lord, haven't i typed quite a page? there's seems to be nothing else to do with my life lately. and i wanted to remember more then just the latelys damnit. so i came here to read past words. sometimes i can't believe the things i once wrote. was i ever that happy? did i ever believe i was that happy at least? at long last, i have realized an incredible thing. my conscience is not there. like i thought she always was. she is not. and nor am i? i put a question mark there, but for what reason? because i'm not sure whether i'm here or not? is it possible for someone to believe in themselves not existing so much, that they really just....evaporate and disappear into this forever eternal nothing?

and is it a dangerous thing to test? does it matter what danger approaches me now? i feel alone and useless. it used to be that whenever i lost something it was just sad. because then i had less. but now that i've lost everything, it's pathetic. because i have none. i used to have the remains of my life to look to whenever i got a chunk of myself stolen by greedy hands. but now i have nothing to look to. god damnit, well, that's enough scribble for today. but is it really enough? is it ever enough? what does enough mean?

enough to live? enough to be happy? enough to exist? i haven't a clue what the word enough means. that word is strange. but i do know one thing. i took it for granted. one time i reached high over head for that word so much that i spilt everything on the shelf, and what i didn't know, is that i had that word all along.

and now that i've had enough...will i...ever have it again?

greedy, greedy thoughts...