well, it's a Tuesday morning and i realize that my xanga posts have halted or at least slowed down so here i am to keep them more then occasional. i just got back from the beach about two days ago. i stayed there for a week. i met some people and that was fun. i seem to be meeting more guys then i intend to lately. but who knows, perhaps it is intended. one of the guys that i met i have become good friends with and we seem to be staying in touch quite well through the Internet and phone and it's planned that we'll meet again near the end of July.

anyway, i broke up with another boyfriend recently. sigh. i don't know why i even get myself into steady relationships when i really can't bring myself to care about them for more then a week. i disappoint myself really when i do this. maybe i'll be smart enough to refrain from steady relationships for a safe while or perhaps, in a naive youth i'll go fishing for them carelessly again.

i've recently been through another loss. one that i never knew would hurt if i did ever lose it. a friend, but so much more then that has showed me what i thought i learned a long time ago. if i take advantage of a person, they will not stick around to see it happen again. in 7th grade i did this. i lost some over and over. but i never really lost them because they always came crawling back. and then one fateful summer, they were not there when i turned around. in that, i remained hurt for a long time. and it's just ironic and almost bothersome to me that i could make the exact same mistake again without realizing how identical the processes were to reach the failure. which is loss. however, this friend is a forgiving one and i am certain that he'll talk to me again sometime soon. but, it wont be the same when we do talk again. i wont have all the power and control. then again, maybe it's dangerous when i'm in charge. i should wait for my choices to develop before i throw them into effective action.

i now face a truth that i have lost my love for quite a while for he has fallen for a worthy other that he's known for quite some time by now. and in that, i see a long relationship in the future. and in that, i pity myself for caring. however, if i do regain my recent loss, i see that recovery from this past loss is possible.

i've written several new poems lately that i may paste in here in a short moment. i haven't much more to say. so i give you these rhymes. which i by the way don't see as some of my best.

Realization

Mistakable and breakable, my heart seems to be.

Destiny before me, how could I not see?

Glass vile of truth, smashed on concrete.

My common sense, has so found simple defeat.

Incredible love caught me, surprised and unaware.

Was I attempting denial? Or was I really scared…

Miracles and blessings, thrashed to second chances.

You reject my apologies, and all my admittances.

I wish and plead, for so much to be mine.

But what I need, is far more then blind.

Desires and demands, I now push aside.

Will you accept a hope, ignore how I lied?

A greedy self I am, to take advantage of you.

Those who make me smile, there are a rare few.

To take so little care of, the one I love so much.

How could I let my prince, slip through my desperate clutch?

Dear love I plead and beg, for you to hold my hand.

Though never before did you, require begging, commands.

I remember once upon a time and for a while.

When to make you love me, all I had to do was smile.

~lizzy cooper

Undeserving

Dodging all your love, with devilish cheatings.

Remaining afraid of, commitment and needing.

Sorrows befall my lips, I realize where I fell.

Ability made me trip, fall into failure’s well.

Lying in this tomb, deep thought endures me so.

Am I forever doomed, to dwell on sorrow?

Once kicked to the wall, I thought I’d never heal.

But picked up from my fall, I found something that’s real.

Innocence in your eyes, and protection in your arms.

I found out how to rise, above the devil’s charm.

I found a confidence, within my fossil soul.

But your eye’s innocence, is what really made me whole.

The complete honesty, within every word you gave.

Your instant modesty, that made me grin and crave.

Your humor and delight, dear lord, it made me smile.

And you frowned and sighed, when I went missing for a while.

All your sloppy thoughts, unorganized but so pure.

Bad news was forgot, after I read your words.

Your incredible innocence, how could I give that up?

Alone in an instance, I see where I screwed up.

At first I was confused, unused to your reject.

Then I see how I used, your every intellect.

Gathered up your great, and kept it for myself.

Then set it neatly, upon the highest shelf.

And now I only look, to the empty shelf above.

Only dusty books, but no longer lies your love.

I hope day and night, that you’ll go insane and crack.

Go so crazy that you might, consider taking me back?

~lizzy cooper

both were written yesterday on my back porch, while i was swapping thoughts with life. the meanings of these poems appear obvious although the true point they make is far from apparent. anyway, i leave you with this. another post of mine. another piece of me, will a use ever befall my words? goo 'day.

hmmm...well this is a bit early for me to be making a new entry already, but i have stuff to share. well, last night i was on AIM and my mother said "lizzy, can i see you for a second?" i went into her room and she handed my report card to me and said, "you failed." yeah, there's a way to break the ice. sigh. well, this morning my mother said that we may go to chiles later and argue with them about the whole situation. although i don't believe it deserves any debate.

the last 9 weeks of school i was honestly trying very heard. although the first three 9 weeks weren't as successful. hence my failing the 9th grade. on the bright side i am perhaps now not going to feel as short. i spent a while looking for a positive last night. i don't want to spend too much time on this subject because i've already thought it all over very distinctly numerous times. in that, we move on.

this morning was odd. i talked to someone who i hadn't talked to in quite a while, in hopes of getting my poetry book back. he said that he'd give it back to me on his birthday whenever he drove over to my house. i was shocked that he would still actually be planning on driving over to my house on his 16th birthday as he had promised me 2 years ago. i still have slight doubts. but doubts often unfold into predictions, so i strain to release public faith. in all, it was weird hearing his voice. i however do find myself stronger now then i did before. i have the power to hang up on him when i'm through with the conversation and i don't helplessly beg him to stay when he declines carrying on the conversation. i surprised myself with that ability. i never knew what could happen in such little time. i like the strength though. it's one more thing i can overcome. and all success is appreciated in my common sense.

i wrote a few poems last night. more like i finished a few. i had a lot of unfinished poems and i'm always relieved whenever i add closings to their bodies. and more pages in my book are filled. that's always promising. in other slight news that could collect within the past 2 days, i am a bit more occupied. as in, i don't wait around for certain friends and loved ones any more. i take whatever's handed to me. and i find strength to let go of things. i never knew how to let go of things until i found myself in the situation where i had to help another let go of things. in other perspective, i've come across understanding.

miracles drop from the heavens lately. it's interesting when i catch them because they often they slip through my fingers and i forget to recognize their brilliance. they're small things usually. like my mother forgiving me for sins i've directed at her, and myself being able to still breathe in honest depression. miracles are often disguised in luck and coincidence, but i've learned to notice their presence. they come rushing to my side in my times of mere worry or fear, and knowing that they're there is comforting to my journey.

not much can really happen within 2 days. well, so much can happen. but not enough to explain in words. too much to explain in words. either or the other. i haven't much more that i care to say so i'll leave you with my tip on miracles:

don't deny when you know you're blessed,

holy recievings must be confessed.

be grateful for the miracles you see

coincidence and luck are masks eventually.

goo 'day my loves.

today is saturday. hmm, interesting. my old typing day. i just now read over all of my entries. it amuses me from time to time to see my past words. i enjoy reading recorded memories. which is why i force myself to continue recording them really.

anyway, right now i'm at sherri's house, and i've just now succeeded in talking her to sleep. i don't mind though really. you see there are times whenever i'll talk out loud to myself for hours and knowing that no one's listening i don't really have to care about what i say or whatever. and i don't have to worry about people saying "what do you mean by that" or "that doesn't  make any sense" or "huh?" because only i need to understand it so it's more free. but this time it was better i guess. because this time i knew she was listening at the beginning but she was just too tried to respond, and that she was listening but then again she wasn't. and as i was talking to her i said, "'and even if you're unconscious right now as i talk to you, it's still more comforting knowing that someone's in the presence and that these deep thoughts are being implanted into your head and dreams. and even if you're not thinking about what i am saying right now, you will be later on. and i like that sherri. really i do. " so it was fun. just expressing myself to her. and she's a good friend of mine anyway, so i liked being with her.

now, on with my life, i suppose. it's been..different i must say. well, i haven't stopped thinking about my past love but i am able to let opinions on him rest for moments. it's weird to stop thinking about him even for meaningless seconds. moving on, i had a friend over yesterday. a nice friend. he..makes me happy. he's not exactly similar in my thinking ways but i haven't really gotten to the deep thoughts of him yet so i wouldn't really know what goes on inside of his head anyway. and i had to wait for years to hear how incredible jacques' inner ideas and opinions were. so i can wait.

you know i can be a very patient person..when i am assured of the outcomes. whenever i know for sure and it is completely and entirely certain that something will happen, then i can wait for it as long as it takes. because technically i already have it i just can't hold it yet. but it's just that well, whenever i have to wait to find out what's going to happen to me or my future, that's whenever i get impatient really. i don't like waiting to find out what's going to happen. but i can however, wait for something to happen.

[sigh] i have no idea. a few nights ago i did something that i regret. and then something that i regret even worse. i can't really explain what those two things are on here for specific reasons, i'm sorry. it's just...i did something for no particular reason at all. and then in seeing the outcome of what i did, i took it back. don't ask how i did that, i just well...i took it back. i saw how horrible the consequences would've been if i had really done what i did. so i....made it go away. i lied to myself and said that it didn't really happen at all. it's entirely difficult to explain. but well, basically i did something without knowing what the effects it would have would do to me. so then, i rewinded life. but it still really happens. i'm just once again, lost in denial that's obvious to my own self.

this post hasn't been making very much sense so far has it now? probably because unlike all of the other times i didn't have anything prepared for this time. i mean the other times i never exactly had anything prepared, but my mind was recharged ahead of time. this time i'm perhaps just babbling in my own mind in hopes that it will make more sense when put into words, but opposites circle that hope.

my parents have entirely ungrounded me now, it seems. because i have had about two sleep overs since i got grounded and all. and i've went over to several friends' houses. i'm a bit uncertain about my love life lately. it's just that every day i dwell upon these strange movies and scenes on T.V. usually on TBS or abc family. i don't know. but usually like all movies nowadays, they have to do with two very strange people meeting each other in the most unpredictable ways. and through the movies i forget about my own life entirely. and i get to know the two people in the film and somehow they become a part of me and it becomes important to me on how they should end up. because they have sacrificed so much to get that far that now i only hope that the good endings continue.

then, although, at the end of the movie, im surprisingly happy, i suddenly become very sad. in knowing that this is not my happy, this is not my celebration or pride. it is another's, not even real, just entertainment played out and manipulating my young heart. i long for someone to hold and once again i am dreadfully impatient about the whole coming of just that. really i do wonder who i will end up with in life, it's such an interesting thing to think about. and i don't ant it to be some fake romance and marriage either where there are sparks at the beginning but then they like slowly fade out later whenever it's too late cause now they have kids and stuff like that. i don't want to have to fake to be happy. i want it to begin beautiful, and end beautiful.

but you know, those who think about the ones that they will end up with, and those who practically obsess over their future loves and whatnot, well, those are usually the ones that will end up with nothing. and honestly i don't want that to happen. really, i like being a kid. it's tremendously fun, and carefree at the right times. but it would be so much easier to enjoy if i had...a "someone" you know? maybe i'm just being impatient again you know? but everyone meets their soul mates whenever they're like 20 or grown up or whatever. i want to have one of those special cases where i like met them in high school, or middle school, but it's too late for that really.

sherri just now woke up so i guess i'm going to leave now. i haven't much left to say honestly. it was just a dragged out thought that i carried a bit too far. she just now suggested that i leave. so i guess that fun ended quickly. i'll write more later, but it will probably be another day. goo' day.

happy reading and goo' day.

  well, tomorrow is saturday. for some reason i am actually typing on this thing and i have no idea how. why yes i was intended to be grounded throughout the entire summer and somehow i am not. anyway, i'm losing much more then i have intended to lately.

  as you all know, i lost jacques already. still not over that. but i recall, that when i was going out with him i'd get very pissed off at his ex-girlfriend for talking about him while we were going out, so i'm not going to talk about him because..alas, he has a new girlfriend. rather an old one actually. but they're going out again. i just watch. it's weird. he calls her by a name that sort of rhymes with mine. GAH! i said i wouldn't talk about him

alright returning to so very distant reality, life has been weird lately. i have had so much spare time to do all of these things that i've never had time to do before. and yet, i leave them untouched and resolve to doing nothing. i don't know why. i feel strange lately.

i've been using the word "lately" a lot lately. and the reason for that is, that i really only remember the things that happen "lately" everything from long ago has become extinct somehow. yet it's also very real and very there. but when i came to this site and scrolled down and through my old posts, it's almost as if i was hearing it all for the first time. i have to be reminded of the steps i once took

i feel like i'm watching my life on a screen. an old fashioned ones with little scratches showing up in random places from time to time. it much reminds me of a poem i once wrote. "puppet tears" i haven't the time to write it all out right now. well i do, but i...i don't know. i don't have the poem

yes, i've lost all of my poems. i have only their rough drafts which i can hardly read, and my newest ones. as for my old ones, i gave them to a loved one long ago and thought that because they were in his hands i'd perhaps get them back one day. but now some of my best pieces of art are lost. and i...don't know how to get them back. but with some of my first poems gone, it feels as if there's been a part of me taken out. i'm...incomplete.

well, i was incomplete to begin with. i had missing pieces strewn across the damn floor. but little by little, the hole is becoming bigger. within a short while i have lost so many things i held dear. and i don't want to put all of the things i feel as if i've lost on here because...well..it doesn't seem right. but there is a friend of mine. and i don't know where they went. and they were one of the only living things that seemed to have understood me. and lately, (there's the word again) they've been non-existent. i forget what they're like, what they like, and even what they look like almost.

it's insane the way i've been living lately, really it is. i have no idea where i belong. well it's obviously not the first time you've heard that line. and i'm not going to say anything like "this case is different" because perhaps it's really not any bit different at all. i suppose that i deserve many of the losses i have encountered. really i do. i asked for the whole losing the love of my life thing. i pushed it too far. not even knowing that it was on the edge of certainty itself. and yet, below that sure cliff, was none other then a tangled mess of denial.

and isn't it funny that that's exactly what i've landed in? denial itself. well, i've hardly learned to face the denial i possess. but i have learned to admit that i am in denial of so very much. i just still deny and sometimes pretend to be stupid so that i have an excuse for doing stupid things. i've always done stupid things. most of my friends have understood them. well not exactly understood them. but they've put up with them. and now, a friend of mine, a very good one, seems to be tired of putting up with the whole mess. and i really don't blame her.

however, i am used to losing things lately. loves, privileges, friends, values, and long-lost trust. but just because i'm used to it doesn't mean that i'm any less saddened by it. my childish crying continues as if my incomplete self is leaking through all of the missing places of my life. [sigh] and then these metaphors and similes..do they really define me? i think not, in an honest say, they just make me feel confused. so i'm not left out. it feels weird to have no one else understand a word that i'm saying when i understand it all completely. therefore, i confuse myself as well, making us all one big slop of confusion and uncertainty.

well good lord, haven't i typed quite a page? there's seems to be nothing else to do with my life lately. and i wanted to remember more then just the latelys damnit. so i came here to read past words. sometimes i can't believe the things i once wrote. was i ever that happy? did i ever believe i was that happy at least? at long last, i have realized an incredible thing. my conscience is not there. like i thought she always was. she is not. and nor am i? i put a question mark there, but for what reason? because i'm not sure whether i'm here or not? is it possible for someone to believe in themselves not existing so much, that they really just....evaporate and disappear into this forever eternal nothing?

and is it a dangerous thing to test? does it matter what danger approaches me now? i feel alone and useless. it used to be that whenever i lost something it was just sad. because then i had less. but now that i've lost everything, it's pathetic. because i have none. i used to have the remains of my life to look to whenever i got a chunk of myself stolen by greedy hands. but now i have nothing to look to. god damnit, well, that's enough scribble for today. but is it really enough? is it ever enough? what does enough mean?

enough to live? enough to be happy? enough to exist? i haven't a clue what the word enough means. that word is strange. but i do know one thing. i took it for granted. one time i reached high over head for that word so much that i spilt everything on the shelf, and what i didn't know, is that i had that word all along.

and now that i've had enough...will i...ever have it again?

greedy, greedy thoughts...